Monday, October 3, 2005

A War Within

hi all! I say 'all', but really it's only maybe like two people! hello there you two! :-)

Anyways, so lately my thought processing has been a little out of hand, I think. I've been thinking about this and that and everything in between. I'm reading Blue Like Jazz, which I'm sure Jason would I right?! Anyways, it's a great book, awesome read. The author, I believe, does a good job of being blatantly honest. Which I love!!! I mean I know we have to be cautious and think of others and such, but sometimes, the truth just needs to be told, don't dilute it by making it sound "better"...what can sound better than the truth! I mean I may think I wanna hear what I wanna hear, but if it's not the truth, there's no weight to it, so it doesn't hold...

anyways..i've also been contemplating some life changes and such as that. graduation...almost around the corner, yet further away than i sometimes give it credit for. what am I doing? I mean I war within myself on this stuff. I can hear myself beating against me to figure things out, to figure out what it is that God is calling me to, but I can hear myself just as much saying "do not look too far into the future, do not lose sight of the present, enjoy each day and trust God in leading you minute by minute, instead of life cycle by life cycle." and so much of me depnds on that thought processing and much of me gets anxious about the unknown. I think one of the most interesting parts of it all, is sometimes I feel I (somewhat) have it all figured out. I get these amazingly deep thoughts on life, love, happiness and all that jazz...and yet, I still feel I don't know what to do in pertaining to life, love, happiness and all that jazz. and I'm just as guilty as the next person of things I get heated about...which irritates me further. my analytical mind will one day drive me into the ground.

for instance...I was thinking about this whole, knowing what God has for me upon graduation. and where he's leading me. cause I grew up around people that were very nonchalant about where God was taking them in life. I mean I loved it, they had a blind faith approach. I mean if they would come up to me and be like 'okay, next month my wife and I are moving to africa to feed the hungry, we've been praying about it and firmly believe that's where God is leading us."I was like whoa...i mean what's goin' on...but totally awesome and enthralled, I wanted that!! I didn't necessarily want to be called to missions in africa, I just wanted an abrupt call from God being like...wait, this is what's up! and then there were those people that for years were like, i'm called to this and this is what i'm gonna do with my the waiting process begins. and for some reason I would get infuriated. I felt so strongly that that would lose sight of this present time. they were so enthralled by their future calling, that right now was just a "waiting period"...I would rather focus on where God is calling me in the next 5 minutes, there where God is calling me in the next 5 years. and i'm just as guilty of both.

I know God has a ministry for me, but I'm still not sure of what it is. I know my passions, I know what I want in life, I know where God grabs me and just puts me in place...sometimes...but do I know what it is God is directly purposing me...not quite I feel it is great things...most assuredly YES. So my period of waiting, deliberating, and figuring things out, I'll try and focus on where God wants me in the next 5 minutes!

have a good one, and if the rapture comes before we talk again, I'll see ya soon!!


1 comment:

jasdye said...

sorry, gotta run again before reading the whole thing.

yes, BLJ was a really good one. although the one after that i thought was better. he has an even-newer one than that (about his experiences in the wilderness, which he talks a bit about in BLJ), but the names of both of them elude me.