Thursday, December 1, 2005
Let my tears run through this river of devotion
as eagerly I await the dawning of a notion
to unveil the beauty that lies beneath the scars
and surface the reality of the stars
so distant and bright within the night
radiating an unseen perfection
in each and every light
and through this night, I shine so bright
revealing all the glory above
magnifying nothing but love, till morning dawns
and the sun stands still to brighten the
river's cascading fill and show hope, reveal
glory, the Creator's magnificent perfection
revealed in fullness before Thee. and to Thee
give thanks for solace and despair, where
tears are bottled in the fill of thee who cares.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
'I give up on this cruel and heartless world
all that stands before me now is this vast openness
this quiet array of scarlet pores
that holds nothing but bitter remorse
for all this world has is nothing to give me
this heart is broken and bleeding from within
a lonely heart tells many a story
of days lost but not forgotten
tears drop as consistent as rain in the morning
and cleansing comes from within'
Friday, November 18, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
I believe we are all guilty of this. We all look to information to confirm our beliefs and thoughts on anything and everything, but the minute something comes into the flow that could possibly negate what we think...what do we do?! we call it absurd, on in the slightest regard we justify it...we turn it around to being positive remarks toward our 'prior belief'.
my motto: assume nothing until it is confirmed...the fault in this theory; however, is the lack of faith...in order to truly embrace a concept, we must have faith in it's existence...that turns me around to faith...faith is "the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen."...what stands out to me...'substance of things hoped for.'...hope...what is that...it's a desire...a forethought, so to speak, of what's expected to be fulfilled...so in an essence our hope is our belief. so does that come around full circle...in believing, we attempt to confirm that which we believe, yet in relying upon confirmation, we leave out faith with is important in establishing what you do believe, and part of faith is hoping...hoping for something with great expectation of it's fulfillment or a belief...so do we believe in a hopeful faith-induced expectation?
what do we believe?
oh the ramblings of my mind...
Tuesday, November 8, 2005
I ponder myself...my own inadequecies...my downfalls. Why? Why are insecurities present in a heart that seems so confident? LORD, I do not understand my own thoughts and the why's and how's of my life...I believe the confusion...leaves me confused?! I long for answers, yet I fear them. I long for movement, yet I fear loss of comfort. I long for difference, yet the same is so familiar. How do I contradict myself! How do I battle myself and You are the same time. I long to obey You, yet my being struggles. Wants, desires, beliefs, passions...these are what stir the being into action. Why do I feel so immobile and sedentary?? My heart aches as I feel that pain is my allie. Oh sweet love, rescue me from this misery, hold me in Your gentle comfort, soothe me with Your whispers of grace...Oh how I long...all, everything more...
Friday, November 4, 2005
So let me tell you what's up! Lately I have been a little cranky, my apologies to those who have endured it! I just don'tknow what's up!
Anyways, but to let everyone in on the good news...I have an interview next Friday in Pittsburgh with Target. I'm super excited about this. So yeah pray for me, cause this would be super great.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
So lately, it's been whoa...first off, there was this massive blizzard, which was like ahhmazing. It was actually pretty cool, until the trees started falling and breaking everywhere, and the people started skidding into ditches and then everyone was at a loss of power. I mean what?! Actually today I didn't have any power for a period of like 7 hours..it about drove me nuts. But the funny part was getting everything situated, I mean I was trying to figure out what we were gonna do with the food and where I was gonna get warmth, and it was just kind of entertaining. Then it was like..boom...we have power again! AWESOME! They, the electric company that is, told us it would be out until probably noon on Friday, so pretty sweet!
Other than that, I've been nonchalantly doing things. Which sucks, I'm not really enthralled in anything right now! This kind of irritates me. Mainly because it makes me think and wonder about things that I do not wanna think and wonder about...things that I've thought and wondered about for months and I really don't wanna let my mind roll around the ideas and thoughts of them, b/c they just drive me insane! I mean seriously, what?! but I don't know. I mean I just don't understand some things and some people, and I know I'm probably not supposed to or something like that, but I guess when part of me is in anyway involved in it, I tend to take it personally. (btw, in case you are wondering what this rant is about, do not assume someone has done something to tick me off or put me in the middle of some fiasco or something of sorts, this is not the case...just a case of...emotional breaking...or maybe just...hitting the wall that's barriered up, oh how I want to climb it). Anyways, on that note, I'm gonna go...get warm and get food...I'm hungry!!
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Do you really know me? Here's some important and not-so-important questions pertaining to myself, that I would like to evaluate my friends and see how much you really know me. hmm...interesting!
1. What is my middle name?
2. what color is my eyes? Is there something significant about one of them? (asking this question would imply that there is, but do you know what it is?!)
3. how many brothers and/or sisters do I have?
4. what is my favorite cheesy saying? **you should know this**
5. who is one of my favorite male vocalist?
6. what is my favorite part of the music I listen to?
7. what would be the ideal job, in my eyes?
8. what would be my freak-show talent?
9. what is my favorite tv show?
10. what is one of my current favorite movies? (if you name one of the many, you still get the
credit...yeah i'm just that nice)
11. what is something I enjoy doing that not everyone knows about me? *oooh...tough one...it
12. what is my favorite food?
13. who/what is my passion in life?
14. what country do I really really really really wanna visit?
15. what is something of mine, that I wish everyone could see?
Good luck people!
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Monday, October 17, 2005
A vast openness before me,
calling my name into the wild, untamed terrain.
Who is to be my voice in this space
that is too large for me to be heard?
How am I to know the way to go?
Everything looks so settled, unconsumed, untouched.
My Lord, You will show me the way
through this wooded abyss that
will not devour my soul.
The grip of passion instills in me a
desire to be filled by You.
The pierces, bruises, open sores that
bear a resemblance to life anew.
Anguish, pain, this all surround me entirely,...
To the extent of loss of hope? NEVER!
Enduring, believing, all that You have for me,...
Do otherwise? How could I ever!
You hold the barriers that shape
the romance of my life.
All in Your hands...the love, the happiness, the anger, and the strife.
Help me feel Your Presence near me!
Sunday, October 16, 2005
So Thursday night, got to go to CRU, which was awesome! Got to hang out with some ahhmazing people. Then Friday I had to work, which wasn't the greatest, but wasn't all that bad. All I really did all morning was situate sweatshirts and hang them on the walls. Oh yeah and we had to pull in the freight order, which was just so exciting. After that I didn't have a whole lot to do, I had a few errands, then band. Which was awesomely cut short, b/c of the homecoming parade that night. The parade wasn't bad, but had it's ups. I mean I love my ahhmazing friends who cheered for me...you all know who you are!! That was fun! After that I got to go to the Roadhouse for Greg's birthday and hang out with some more super fun people, that was enjoyable as well! Then i got to hang out at Amy's for the night before the game the next day! Now to the game...sweet game that is! Let me just tell ya...it started out sucking, I mean literally we were bored to tears almost...b/c i mean i could show ya the pics that we took of us just goofin' off b/c we were bored, that was at least until the 4th quarter. WVU vs. Louisville....down 24-7...8 minutes remaining in the fourth. WVU is able to bring it back and tie it up 24-24 with one minute remaining. Then leads to overtime!!! not just one, not just two, but triple overtime!!! where we finally take louisville 46-44, when we block their two point conversion. let me just say...wahoo!! and...I'll take that! it was awesome, so much super fun and ahhhmazing!! :-)
After all that was done, I then got to walk the roughly mile to mile and a half I'd say...back to my apartment...showered, and then kara and I had a victory starbucks visit! that was fun as well. I do suggest the pumpkin spice latte to anyone who would like to try it! then to top everything off, my mom and my sister came to visit today...so extra sweet! and now i'm just updating you all on my life...are you glad to know this! :-)
on that note!! later yo!
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
my mind is kind of tired anyway....the thought-processing has driven me close to my emotional edge. it's exhausting when you are trying to figure things out from the correct perspective..that of God's. i just wish i knew what He wanted in so many things. i firmly believe that no matter what His Will will come to pass, i guess i just fear being unworthy and insignificant. yeah, you are probably trying to figure out how to get unworthy and insignificant from me trying to figure out God's Will. but thus is the chaos of my mind.
oh my heart...there's so much in it right now...so many things floating.
let me tell you...my current favorite song (which is older, that I love) is..."hands in the air" by The Waiting.
Sunday, October 9, 2005
it was an awesome, awesome time of fellowship and brokenness. Which is so freeing! I cannot even get into all of it on here, but to know that God is working in the hearts of those close to me, is so wonderful. Including my own heart!! PRAISE HIM!
Monday, October 3, 2005
Anyways, so lately my thought processing has been a little out of hand, I think. I've been thinking about this and that and everything in between. I'm reading Blue Like Jazz, which I'm sure Jason would appreciate...am I right?! Anyways, it's a great book, awesome read. The author, I believe, does a good job of being blatantly honest. Which I love!!! I mean I know we have to be cautious and think of others and such, but sometimes, the truth just needs to be told, don't dilute it by making it sound "better"...what can sound better than the truth! I mean I may think I wanna hear what I wanna hear, but if it's not the truth, there's no weight to it, so it doesn't hold...
anyways..i've also been contemplating some life changes and such as that. graduation...almost around the corner, yet further away than i sometimes give it credit for. what am I doing? I mean I war within myself on this stuff. I can hear myself beating against me to figure things out, to figure out what it is that God is calling me to, but I can hear myself just as much saying "do not look too far into the future, do not lose sight of the present, enjoy each day and trust God in leading you minute by minute, instead of life cycle by life cycle." and so much of me depnds on that thought processing and yet...so much of me gets anxious about the unknown. I think one of the most interesting parts of it all, is sometimes I feel I (somewhat) have it all figured out. I get these amazingly deep thoughts on life, love, happiness and all that jazz...and yet, I still feel I don't know what to do in pertaining to life, love, happiness and all that jazz. and I'm just as guilty as the next person of things I get heated about...which irritates me further. my analytical mind will one day drive me into the ground.
for instance...I was thinking about this whole, knowing what God has for me upon graduation. and where he's leading me. cause I grew up around people that were very nonchalant about where God was taking them in life. I mean I loved it, they had a blind faith approach. I mean if they would come up to me and be like 'okay, next month my wife and I are moving to africa to feed the hungry, we've been praying about it and firmly believe that's where God is leading us."I was like whoa...i mean what's goin' on...but totally awesome and enthralled, I wanted that!! I didn't necessarily want to be called to missions in africa, I just wanted an abrupt call from God being like...wait, this is what's up! and then there were those people that for years were like, i'm called to this and this is what i'm gonna do with my life...now the waiting process begins. and for some reason I would get infuriated. I felt so strongly that that would lose sight of this present time. they were so enthralled by their future calling, that right now was just a "waiting period"...I would rather focus on where God is calling me in the next 5 minutes, there where God is calling me in the next 5 years. and i'm just as guilty of both.
I know God has a ministry for me, but I'm still not sure of what it is. I know my passions, I know what I want in life, I know where God grabs me and just puts me in place...sometimes...but do I know what it is God is directly purposing me...not quite yet...do I feel it is great things...most assuredly YES. So my period of waiting, deliberating, and figuring things out, I'll try and focus on where God wants me in the next 5 minutes!
have a good one, and if the rapture comes before we talk again, I'll see ya soon!!
Thursday, September 29, 2005
My thoughts right now are wide...and yet narrow. I have so much going through my head, it's craziness!!
I'm thinking about graduation, and suddenly decided to start sending my resume to various places, how fun is that! I probably won't get much response, but hey, at least I feel a little better for attempting, right?! So I'm thinking about what I want to do, with my life and just what I want to do in general right now!
I really really really wanna do something fun for myself. I know that sounds extremely selfish and is constantly convicting me, but I wanna be enthralled by the beauty of God. I wanna be swept up into something amazing (I know I already am, I just wanna feel it). I wanna go to Italy. I know this is fairly random, but it's true. And the way my mind works, is that I think about how soon I need to go or what-have-you, before it's too late and I'm stuck in the 9-5 rut (which I hope to never really get "stuck" in). So yeah, I really wanna take that trip...really really wanna! I also wanna learn sign language, as I said in a previous post, and I wanna learn the piano. Have you ever thought about being in a certain fantasy realm so-to-speak. Early I was thinking about how amazing and just beautiful it would feel to be setting in front of a grand piano, in a dark room with a single candle for light, playing the most amazing music and pouring my soul to God in the process. I do believe that is why I want to play the piano. Too bad, I have no musical ability and cannot read music (thanks for trying Kara). I have a deep desire to learn the piano though..i mean it's...like whoa! I've also been thinking about what kind of a job I would be happy in...this sometimes upsets me, cause I fear I will not be happy in the working realm, but then I think that is where I am most prosperous and I feel that is where God is calling me, and using me...I think..do we ever no for sure?! Also, when I think of this "dream job"...I think of how unreachable it is...at least immediately. I feel as if it will takes years to get to that point, and I fear those years previous to achieving the said goal....okay enough ranting...my mind will continue to mull through everything...*sigh*
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
On a happy note of all of this, damage was high on their homes, but all were salvageable. Thank God!
Sunday, September 25, 2005
My sister got married on Saturday! Which was beautiful! It was so great to see all my family and spend time together with them in such a joyful setting. I loved it! The wedding was gorgeous, my sister was beautiful and everything went smoothly, after we got over the inital bumps. :-) It truly was a great time and I have plenty of pictures to prove it, sorry I'm not postin' 'em on here! You'll have to IM me to see them ;)
Other than that, WVU played ECU this weekend and won!! Wahoo for an undefeated season..so far!
So right now, i'm exhausted, and i've procrastinated so much, and just literally semi-drained of energy, but...I'm in a fairly good mood, which is great! Much love to all my people.....catch ya on the flipside!
Monday, September 19, 2005
I wanna read! I wanna get back into reading my novels again. I just bought two books today and I'm so excited to read them...and yet I feel like I do not have the time to do so! *sigh*
Also, just a little tidbit of information for anyone who really cares. I really wanna learn sign language! yes, sign language! not because I know anyone who's deaf, but because I would love to learn more on how to communicate with someone who is!
i'll try and write more later...
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Alright, so what's been my life lately?! Honestly, I have trouble answering that question. I've done a lot with band, some with work, got some extra sleep, done some homework, and some goofin' off, as well. The question I ask myself though is what have I done that matters?? So many questions floating in my mind right now pertaining to this, that, and EVERYTHING in between! Oh well!
So what's up in my mind right now....who knows?!
I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about a certain situation...ugh...figuring things out can sometimes be fun, but more often than not leave you feeling like you are in a world of uncertainty!
Updates at the apartment, for anyone who cares, we got 2 new fish, a snail and a frog. Hopefully Akuji will not eat any of them. I believe their names were Nuria, Keanu, Hector, and the frog was yet to be named. The League of Nations we are forming in our fish tank is amazing, soon it will be war of the nations and if any of them die, we'll see who is the superior nation...lol :-)
alright, on that note...later yo...**catch ya on the flipside!
Wednesday, September 7, 2005
I've been inspired to type some randomness into this entry...so here we go!
: these mysterious inabilities to create the mass chaos in this unfound world of the mundane alludes to the only thing that holds this inept life together - (04-25-05):
--I really want to go walk the brick streets in Italy...oh how I long for romance.
--I really want to meet my half-brother.
--I really want to pour my heart and soul into something I love.
--I really want to pour my heart and soul into someone I love.
--I really long to grasp the beauty of God, beyond comprehension.
--I really wish you knew my heart and loved me just the same.
Monday, September 5, 2005
Thursday, September 1, 2005
The piercing pain of my bleeding heart,
among the silent cries of hope...
drawing yet another into the recluse
of love immortal.
Everything surrounds, entangles and drowns
in this pool of emotions.
As the air thickens between us
my inner being whispers a prayer.
Oh Holy Father, who knows the hearts frailty
better than I...
Piece together the brokenness that I must endure.
Your hands smooth over any distortion of who I am.
My longings reveal Your touch.
May Your fingerprints be evident.
Oh...wrap me in the gentle comfort of Your arms
and hold the aching of my soul...
Monday, August 29, 2005
Let your heart hear these words!!
"Are we debating just to win the argument?" - JR
"My greatest strength is also my strongest weakness" - JR
"Together we sing...everyone sing.." - CT
"When troubles come and my heart burdened be; then, I am still and wait here in the silence, until you come and sit awhile with me." - JG
"Under the weight of a clear endless sky. It seems like we waste all our time making time." - HoH
"Your words rip and tear through my heart so weak and pure" - AS
"Yet another day seems like it's wasted, you don't feel you're any closer to the prize...things will get better this I promise you." - Sp
"I am alive in love, a love that will never die, Jesus, Your love is what keeps me alive" - TA
"The earth is filled with His Glory" - CT
"Sovereign, You are still sovereign, even when confusion has blinded my eyes....I come into Your chambers and I dance at Your feet Lord!" - UNKNOWN
"My depths of solitude are only seen by Him alone." - D
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Got some disheartening news last night...I really am feeling satan attacking relational bonds that are close to me, and just altogether attacking the hearts of those that mean so much to me. Prayer is a much needed thing right now!
"Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name"
Today was my first actual day of classes, wahoo for being a senior. The greatest part was that I only really had two classes. AND...one of them was my dance class!!! It was awesome, I loved it, so much fun, not even kidding you!!! The Aluna Lui is amazing!! But yeah anyways...alright that's it for now, I'll add some poetry I wrote a short while ago and you can give me your critiques if you would like, or praise, or whatever you feel like...;-)
"A vast openness before me, calling my name into the wild untamed terrain. Who is to be my voice in this space, that is too large for me to be heard? How am I to know the way to go? Everything seems so settled, unconsumed, untouched. My Lord, You will show me the way through this wooded abyss that will not devour my soul. All my love, everything defines me, and more!"
"The grip of passion instills in me a desire to be filled by You.
The pierced, bruises, open sores that bear a resemblance to life anew.
Anguish, pain, this all surrounds me entirely...
To the extent of loss of hope? NEVER.
Enduring, believing, all that you have for me...
Do otherwise? How could I ever?!
You hold the barriers that shape the romance of my life.
All in Your hands...the love, the happiness, the anger, and the strife.
Help me feel Your Presence near me!"
Sunday, August 21, 2005
So band camp is over, thank the Lord! I can't help it, but it needed to be done! It was hot, exhausting, I was irritable. The only good thing about it, was getting the little bit that we were able to get finished, accomplished! That was great! So, now that band camp is over, we all know what that means....classes start back up! This, I'm unsure of my feelings of as of yet. Since I don't have class until tuesday, b/c I was fortunate to find out that your senior year is so much more laid-back than the previous three years of your undergrad, I'm not quite sure of how things will work out! I am, however, looking forward to my dance class! Ballroom dancing will be fun...hopefully! I can pretend I know how to dance a little until mr. right sweeps me off my feet on the dance floor?! I'm hoping and praying that this semest doesn't exhaust me too much...I would like to make enough memories to enjoy it! As of yet, I have two jobs (possibly one within the coming weeks, we'll see how that turns out), I have 13 hours, plus CRU leadership and Rifle leadership and Rank leadership in guard. But 2 of those hours are band (oh yeah, did I mention that band takes up about 20some hours a week of my life in the fall?!), another 2 of those are my ballroom/folk/square dancing class. Wahoo for PE classes! In all actuality I only have 2 main 'capstone' courses, and my independent study. I hope I'm able to survive.
Now that the boringness is over. Lately I've been thinking alot about random things. Isn't that great?! I mean thoughts have ran through my head about what I wanna do after graduation and so on and so forth, and I keep thinking that I don't wanna plan anything, I mean in all seriousness, to take it one day at a time, is great advice. 'Cause if I plan something, 10 to 1 it won't turn out the way I plan it...I'm not in control of my life, I've given that control over to the One who rightfully deserves it! I just pray I'm able to keep up with Him!
Alright...now I'm gonna fall in rank...sleep time ya'll! (yeah yeah it's only 1030..i'm a bum..but i'm allowed to be one right now!)
Catch ya' on the flipside!
Thursday, August 18, 2005
oh and sidenote jason....the comment on my other post...was NOT a friend of mine and has been removed..thank you for bringing that to my attention! :-)
Anyways, so band camp has been my life for the past few days, if not week! We are progressing well and the first show should definitely be a good one!! I'm kind of excited for it!
plus...classes start next week, so...busy busy busy! I don't really know what else to say, I feel kind of hurried right now! So maybe I'll check back later...just wanted to update! later ya'll
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Can I address a grievance though?!
Sincerity?! Let's define this now: sincerity !
My favorite definition listed would have to be "the quality of being open and truthful; not deceitful or hypocritical". Now in my years of being around church-folk alike and many others who profess a christian belief system, I have encountered some who do not fit into this definition. Now, mind you, I am not perfect and there are times alone that I do not fit either. Always fitting is not the key, but rather the attempt to be sincere is. Let me explain myself. Lately I have delved deeper into my own true self and who God has made me, specifically, to be. Which is truly an adventure. As well as noting this, I have also noticed the fellowship that includes "Hi, how are you doing, how is your life?"...which is not a bad thing to do, but the motives, feelings, and overall sincerity behind it, is the issue. Now some tend to believe it is part of the facade that some put up. That they have to appear pleasant and loving at all times. Which I don't disagree with or agree with either. But, when you ask me how my life is...don't brush the conversation away after 5 minutes?! I mean do you really care?! Or are you doing your christian duty of checking up?! How does that work?
I fear that within today's culture, today's youth and especially today's young adult generation there is a press to fit the mold. What mold you ask? The mold of the somewhat, but not-so-stereotyped christian. I mean think about it! How do you think a christian should act? That is the wrong question, it is not how we perceive christianity to fit into the wholeness of society. We cannot be another fad, or phase, or subculture of society. We are a living, breathing, body! Is the body breathing as a whole?
I believe, that as christians, we are not supposed to be the mothers and the fathers of the unsaved or the newly-reborn. I do not believe that our position is to check-up and check-out (for the most part) on the lives of those around us. We are brothers and sisters, we are supposed to build relationships! Christ is all about relationships! Solid-built relationships! Not a say hi, hello, how are you and then nothing till five months later, another hi, hello, how are you!
Okay, well I sincerely hope that this wasn't just a rant, but maybe my own step towards a more sincere outreach!
Monday, August 8, 2005
Well this weekend was fun, sort of! I had my sister's bridal shower on saturday, that was fun. I surprisingly knew quite a bit about my sister...so that was cool. I got to play the cheesy games and everything, so score for that and fun food. OH and one of the most amazing parts of the day, was the fact that my aunt, who's like the greatest cook ever...made me a red velvet cake..oh my goodness...it's amazing!
but, let me just rant a moment. I guess I'm getting into the age bracket now that's gotta get used to what I'm about to rant about, but okay! So, when I was at the bridal shower, I got asked numerous times the infamous question, "You gotta man?"...almost said like if I had the time. nonchalant, with a slight bit of care. I think it's because for a while now I've been hearing the "You're next" comments from around the family. Considering I am the youngest and only one not married or about to be! Oh well...I guess I'll just get used to it, but ya know! I mean seriously...how about we ask more about my life, it doesn't revolve around whether or not I have a significant other. Also, my next steps in life will not be designated to marriage or relationships...we live in different times people. I'm still figuring out what God wants me to do with my life, that person will fit into HIS schedule and plans perfectly...so...yeah!
on another note...
So I've been working at my second job quite a bit lately, and we open on wednesday, wahoo for that! It's been fun working there, and interesting to see how everything gets put together. My feet are killing me though. I seriously hope and pray that everything works together once school and such gets all together with this second. I don't wanna collapse from the continuous movement and working....and I hope to actually have a social life. So i guess we'll see! I work with some pretty fun people, so hopefully we won't get into trouble...much! :-)
So...I know this is short and sucky but I'm gonna go...watch some tv with my extra time.
*Wyatt Earp*Catch ya' on the flipside*
Thursday, August 4, 2005
What to say? Well, not really sure, but I'm sure I can come up with something!
I'd first like to recognize an amazing quote from an article I recently read on Relevant Magazine online:
LOL! Cracks me up everytime! Alright, where was I..oh yeah..don't really have much to ramble about. Anyways...
On a happy note, John Cooper, lead singer of Skillet , recently become a father again! Him and his wife, Korey, are now the proud parents of a baby boy, Xavier! awww...so precious! I will not be surprised if their kids are deaf...all that screaming!
Here's where I'll pay some homage to the new job! Ah...I'm gonna enjoy this! "Everything in the store is $9.98 or less...We've got your back!"
If you haven't yet noticed, I'm having fun using the Google Image Search!
Okay so...I wanna take a trip! And I'm not meaning a piddly little trip! For some reason today I started thinking about an overseas trip. I really really really wanna go to Europe! I think the reason this came up was because I was thinking about how I've said alot that that is a place I would like to visit. Well, see...if I go it would have to be like right after graduation, b/c it's doubtful that I would be able to plan in something like that when I get into the world of 9-5...but who knows..so now I'm like all...like...I wanna go NOW! Who knows...anyone wanna come with me?!
Let's see what you all know about me, if you can answer the following questions correctly, I'll...I don't know...take ya out to eat..or at least Coldstone! Yum Yum!!
1. What is my eye color?
2. Where do I wanna visit before I die?
3. Name one of my guilty pleasures?
4. How many guys have I dated?
5. What about me, could be said is a 'miracle'?
..and on that note..I'll catch ya on the flipside!
DO YOU KNOW THE MUFFIN MAN?!?
Monday, August 1, 2005
This past weekend was colorguard clinic (both saturday and sunday..blah). So needless to say, I'm burnt. I'll admit it, I'm an idiot. I didn't realize it was going to be as hot as it was. I assumed since the weather was supposed to be almost degrees less from the usual that it wouldn't be so bad. I was wrong! it hurts! But I'm not throwing myself a pity party.
I'm continue to wonder about some of the ways I am. I know that God has made me the way I am for a reason, but I wonder..why? What kind of character do I possess? I mean...am I supposed to change, no..that's probably not right..am I supposed to use this or that quality..maybe not?! Who knows! My stubborn will, I'm sure I have that as a good thing and a bad thing...I guess learning when it's good and when it's not..would be first to figure out! I just cannot help myself! I find myself saying things or doing things that are the norm for me, and for my "qualities" I display...then five minutes later I feel like I need to be kicked in the butt for it. Am I cursed with a lover's heart? Am I cursed with blunt honesty? Am I cursed with a "real" personality?! I do not know, but I'd like to believe not. I just pray that God will show me what it is that He has for me, and the use for these qualities, as He sees fit. I feel so awkward, I feel so alone. I feel...forget it..
"...we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. and hope does not dissapoint us..." - Romans 5:3-5
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Ten years ago: I was 11. The only worry I could have had was whether or not the boy in my art class liked me!?
Five years ago: I was 16. Just learning to drive...to be semi-independent, got my own job...made some ideas as to what i wanted to do with my life...man how that has changed!
One year ago: I was contemplating what God has planned for my life...still trying to figure that one out!
Yesterday: I went to work...watched tv...and went to bed early with a raging headache!
Today: I woke up early for work, and worked my first day at my 2nd job! wahoo for building jean cubes and t-shirt cubes!
Tomorrow: another full day of fun!
5 snacks I enjoy: yum, snacks!
1. fruit snacks
2. madarin oranges
3. baby corn with french dressing...and pepperoni...oh that's great!
4. gummy bears or cherries!
5. kettle corn popcorn
5 bands that I know the lyrics of most of their songs: oh this list could go on and on for like ever!
1. Falling Up
3. Jennifer Knapp
4. Relient K
5 things I would do with $100,000,000:
1. Get out of debt!!!!!!!!!
2. Pay off any family debts!
3. Give money to Fire Escape!
4. Give money to my local church!
5. Give money to cancer research!
5 locations I’d like to runaway to:
3. Jerusalem (okay so not right at this moment, but I definitely wanna go there someday)
5 bad habits I have:
1. Talk too much!
2. I have no will power when it comes to certain foods!
3. I have no will power when it comes to DVD buying! Right Kara?!
4. I burp...well, I belch..I can't help it..I have a gaseous stomach! at least it's burps!
5. I tend to interrupt people sometimes! I'm sorry!
5 things I like doing:
5. Listening to music!
**not necessarily in that order! :-)
5 things I would never wear (again):
2. a tube top...at least not by itself!
3. bright orange jeans!
4. a skull cap
5. a ponytail on the side of my head!
5 TV shows I like:
1. CSI Season One
2. CSI Season Two
3. CSI Season Three
4. CSI Season Four
5. CSI Season Five
5 movies I like:
1. The Prince & Me
2. Little Women
4. Boondock Saints
5. The Notebook
5 famous people I’d like to meet:
1. President Bush
2. Abraham Lincoln
3. Paul the Apostle
4. Stephen the Martyer
5. Jesus...of course!
5 biggest joys at the moment:
2. watching movies
3. talking to friends
4. hanging out with friends
5 favorite toys:
I have NKOTB puzzles now!! other than that my only toy is my MP3 player!
I'll tag Kara, Alisha, and Lance.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Thursday, July 21, 2005
F I R S T
♥First best friend: Daniel and Gia, this girl and her brother that were my next door neighbors
♥First screen name: heavenly_fate
♥First teacher: Ms. Janie and Ms. Darlene
♥First action figure: does rainbow bright count?
♥Self-purchased album: probably the backstreet boys, back in the day!
♥First funeral: technical first was brother my grandmother's when i was 6 mos. old
♥First pets: hamsters: Feasty and Fiesty (yeah we were creative)
♥First piercing/tattoo: piercing: ears, tattoo: center of upper back
♥Last car ride: home from work
♥Last good cry: I'm not sure if there is a such thing as a "good cry"
♥Last movie seen: at home: I've tried to watch King Arthur, the first one like 80 times...at theater: Fantastic Four
♥Last beverage drank: surprisingly...H2O
♥Last food consumed: gummie cherries
♥Last phone call: my mom
♥Last shoes worn: sneakers
♥Last item bought: Coldstone
♥Last annoyance: grr...it's too fresh to discuss
♥Last time wanting to die: the second tuesday of last week
S P E C I F I C S
♥Do you do drugs?: nope
♥What kind of shampoo do you use?: I like the dove shampoo
♥What are you most scared of?: failing
♥What are you listening to right now?: MTV...crap TV
♥How many buddies are online right now?: 38
F A V O R I T E S
♥Food: all food in general, i'm not hard to please
♥Boy name: Caleb Michael
♥Girl name: Alexia Grace
♥Subjects in school: Math
♥Abbreviation: all of them, anything to kill the literacy of America is great!
♥Animals: kittens, puppies, hamsters..anything small and fluffy
♥Perfume: whatever smells pretty, I'm not too particular
H A V E Y O U E V E R
♥Given anyone a bath?: I'll go with a no on that one
♥Bungee jumped?: i did the sky coaster at king's dominion
♥Made yourself throw up?: I would weigh, way less if i did that...so umm...NO
♥Skinny dipped?:...well there was this one time...just kidding..No
♥Ever been in love?: yes I have
♥Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: Nope.
♥Cried when someone died?: yes, I mean I do have a heart
♥Been rejected?: more than I like to recall
♥Rejected someone?: I think there was this one guy...
♥Done something you regret?: Yes
L A S T P E R S O N
♥You touched: I don't remember
♥Hugged: I think I gave Jess a hug last night
♥You IMed: Andrew
♥IMed you: Dave
♥Called you: Steve & Barry's
♥You called: Mom
♥Bought you flowers: the boys on V-Day
W H I C H I S B E T T E R
♥Coke or Pepsi: Coke!
♥Flowers or candy: either or....the sentiment is wonderful
♥Tall or short: my height or taller, there is nothing wrong with a guy being the same height as the girl...
R A N D O M
♥In the morning I am: cranky and tired...not a morning person
♥All I need is: I'll go with Kara...love..."all you need is love"
♥Love is: "like oxygen"
♥I dream about: everything
♥What do you notice first: what lies underneath the facial expression
♥Last person you danced with: sadly, probably someone from prom like 3 years ago or something.
♥Makes you smile: happy things
♥Who has a crush on you: no-one...unless i'm lucky and he likes me back *wink* *wink*
D O Y O U E V E R
♥Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: no, I like being a girl!
♥Wish you were younger: nah
N U M B E R
♥Of times I have had my heart broken: a thought I don't like to recall
♥Of hearts I have broken: I doubt any..but if i had to wager...maybe one
♥Of continents I have lived in: 1
♥Of CD's I own: I think I surpassed the 100 mark
♥Of scars on body: only a few
that took a long time and I was only halfway paying attention!
Lance,...this next part is for you!!
I've been touching base on a lot of new music lately and checking out the sounds of various bands and giving my ears lots of amazing listenings. So I'll just give ya' my opinions! 1st and foremost...www.radiou.com is amazing..I don't know if you all listening to them, but truly ahhhmazing. Too bad I can only get the internet version..darn you Ohio! Anyways, Falling Up's new CD comes out in November, I think!! Their new single "Exit Calypson"...awesome! I suggest it to anyone! Also discovered a band called April Sixth...I've only heard the song "Dear Angel", but let me tell...you I love it!! House of Heroes is good too...Kara and I were discussing the similarities between their sound and Chemical Romance, I suggest "Serial Sleepers" for your listening pleasure! I also got to listen to Spoken's "Promise" which I haven't heard in like forever, I forgot about this band and I hate myself for it! Truly great! I've listened to some new stuff from Haste the Day, Thousand Foot Krutch, John Reuben (Nuisance is wonderful), Switchfoot, and Flyleaf. A few other newbies I've heard lately were Sides of the North "Melody"....I really like this song if someone could send me a copy of it, that would be great, also Plumb's "I Can't Do This"...the similarity between the lead singer's voice and Amy Lee from Evanescance is weird, odd too the singer's name is Tiffany Lee? Could there be a relation..who knows! I just theorize! Alright enough of that, it's just been so long since I was able to go psycho over the music....I LOVE IT!!! :-)
In other parts of my life! I believe I'm going insane...I just and starting to hate it! No the insanity is not because of boredom or anything of that sort. Instead...I'm being a girl. oooohhh...wellll!
Good joke for those who haven't heard it and wanna hear it!...later yo!
Monday, July 18, 2005
So let me tell ya'...hold on, lost my train of thought. Oh yeah..this weekend..I got a letter in the mail saying I'd been randomly selected, "randomly selected for what?" you say...none other than..JURY DUTY! What the freak!! Okay so that's where the outburst came from, let me just tell ya, I don't have time for this. So if anyone knows anyway I can get out of it, I'm willing to hear my options. I heard that I could get out of it, just b/c I'm a student..that would be great & convenient!
In other news, I'm "thoughtfully considering", or at least that's the way I've addressed my e-mails to people, graduate studies! Wahoo for more time at college! Yeah right...I'm about to go insane, but hey I need to weigh my options. Either way I'll be poor!
Kara doesn't think I could be a fashion merchandiser, let me just say, I WILL NOT be working for Gucci or Versace. Not that hoity-toity fashion next-top-model crap. Geeze, I have taste! Anyways..I have never even really thought about fashion merchandising, that is until now..hmmm..I'll let my thoughts process for a while.
OH wow, I just got a call from Steve & Barry's...I got the job! YESSS!!!! So you are the first to know, don't you feel lucky. On that note...I must depart for the day, maybe I'll check back later.
*Catch ya' on the flipside*
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
from the depths my weakness cries out for an ear to hear it's voice. this inner being desires more than what this life can offer...I watch and wait with what little patience I possess and wonder what is left to this journey. silent cries, lost tears, nothing left but lonliness and isolation. so what is it this time? from here to there, each place, each step, all striving to further some unknown void, to possess some unknown or unspoken quality or life that just doesn't exist. it's all meaningless and never ceasing. so why, what...all the questions life has to offer, all that rears it's ugliness into this existence of mine. who can hear my cries, who can understand my pleas, who knows the inner most being that is me? these questions never cease. i lie here for hours and hours and continue to question all that is imaginable. from the inner most pains and struggles to nothing. what? why? where? I mean how is it that it all exist in me without me understanding or even relating any reasoning to it. my depths of solitude are only seen by Him alone. He only knows all that my life entails. is it true that all that is me, all that will be me and all that was me, He's known all along? what matter of character do I possess to find my gifts from God? He is my Almighty Comforter at all times. to know that his love is all I'll ever need...simply amazing. "You are the light of the world, Jesus is the light, lead us out of darkness and into Your marvelous light." my mind is a paradox even to me! how is it that these complexities can somehow piece themselves together and form a masterpiece? How is it that I can be seen in such a light by the One who created all! I cry to you Oh Lord! You know my heart, You know the desires therein. the affliction that sometimes haunts my very being, those that shoot so far to my core that I feel the piercing pain of needles killing and blinding my existence. my eyes are closed to what you have for me. Open them, Oh Lord. Open my heart to all You have for me. To all You believe there is for my life. these thoughts burn in for an eager mind to find out more, to acquire as much knowledge as I can to try to undersand and piece together whatever it is that tears at my flesh and soul. why in a room so full can I see myself alone. i stand out in a crowd, but not such to draw attention. i envision for myself....i do not even know. life is in such a short time, supposedly, such a great adventure. i just wonder what this adventure is? where am I to go, with whom, by whom? love is generally my passion in life. love is one that never ceases. God's love is what brings me through all and brings me to all. God, praise You Lord, for all the blessings you've bestowed upon me, I praise You for everything that lies in me, whether simple or complex. I know that there exist many such things in myself and my life that I will never understand until Your time to reveal that to me. Your passionate comfort is that strong fire that warms me in the coldest of winters. where is it that You'll lead me,...nowhere Your fires will not warm me, this i know. You make all things beautiful in Your time. YOUR TIME!! To have just a slight glimpse into Your time and existence is beyond my comprehension. so what can You do, that I can truly understand. My attempts, though strong and unwavering, are useless, for You are HOLY! You alone possess the only wisdom that can even finish this sentence...My thoughts do not cease, but my words faint.To know You my love.To hear You my love.To hold You my love.The desires of my heart are these. All I have to say.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
"The Spirit of the Soverign Lord is on me because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkenss for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vendeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion -- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called mighty oaks, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."
Wednesday, July 6, 2005
Childhood Memories, in no particular order:
1. Feathered Bangs! Let's just say, ladies...what were we thinking? I look back now and for some reason I can remember thinking that feathered bangs were the greatest thing in the world, I mean the possibilities were endless with hairdos. Although embarassment is slight when these are brought back to memory, laughter ensues on my part. I cannot help but laugh at myself.
2. Double-Layered Socks! I luckily, wasn't a hardcore victim of this craze, but still, older sister!! But, I did happen to adore my multi-colored socks. I thought it was just great to have pink socks and blue socks and all sorts of colors, and sadly I have the pictures to prove it!
3. New Kids on the Block! Let me just tell you, I adored NKOTB. They were definitely the greatest thing since sliced bread! I had the dolls and the covers, oh geeze...I was in love with these guys...too bad they broke up. I'm waiting for the reunion! :-)
4. Easy Bake Oven & Woodburning Kit! I loved my Easy Bake Oven! Yes Jason, cooking by a lightbulb was the greatest invention ever! My sister's woodburning kit was great too, and still I don't understand, unsafe toys...I mean seriously, you gave a child a metal rod that heated to 5000 degrees and let them run free with it...hey I had fun!
5. 80's Movies! Kara, this one is for you! The Breakfast Club, Footloose...oh the list goes on and on and never gets old to me! I love them all! Only one thing left to say...Teen Witch comes out on DVD on July 12!!! :-)
Well I hope this has amused you, at least in the slightest of terms...cause I know it's made me laugh...more later yo!
Monday, July 4, 2005
Sorry, I just wanted to celebrate! So what's up?! Umm...let's see...I ran today, for a complete total of 15 minutes...needless to say, running isn't for me. Still to this day, I will never understand why people run because they "enjoy" it?! Just doesn't make sense. Oh well!
I think my boredom that I've endured for the past couple of months is calling upon some enlightenment, just a moment. Maybe such knowledge makes me feel less stagnant and more usable to society.
This beautiful day makes me wonder what I am doing in here typing on this blog, oh yeah...I just remembered....heat is the devil!...okay so I didn't mean that. I do wish I could enjoy the beauty of the sun, I love it, it's beautiful, but it hurts me! :-(
My mind wanders into an abyss of nothingness as my soul searches for answers to questions that continue to prod at my heart. This fear inside I've bured so deep and put aside so long, has now decided to face existence and try to break my stronghold on this confounded world I live in. I weaken and feel myself falling further into the despair that binds me. I have no understanding of how to relieve myself from these fears that continually ache in my existence. I cry to You Lord Jesus, take them away! All I have is You and You are all I need in this life. Close these open wounds, never to be revealed again and calm my aching soul. I cannot even pretend to fathom the awesome power that is the God, Lord of all...yet I pray for this power to work in me. For now my soul so weary, my heart bleeding slowly, rests in the hands of the Lord.Destiny><>
Friday, July 1, 2005
I put this picture in here to illustrate a few things. #1...my sister and I do get along, #2...feathering your bangs is never a good idea, and #3 old times. This picture is a terrible one of my sister, myself in the middle and my cousin. See I don't have many of these pictures. "these pictures" are ones of my family, and especially my cousin. She passed away about 5 years ago. As I set here I wonder what happened to the time that has passed, the memories shared, do they begin to fade. There are times when it seems the only memories of particular people in my life, are either brief glimpses into their lives, their pain, or of remembrance of the pain endured after they were gone. I do not understand it myself. It is true, you do not know what you've got, until it's gone.
"these mysterious inabilities to create the mass chaos in this unfound world of the mundane alludes to the only thing that holds this inept life together" - (04-25-05)
Another topic of discussion......at bible study tonight we breifly discussed that when we chose God, we realized, that there isn't anyone else to lead us! Plainly, there is no other choice. Now thinking about this, we went on to discuss how we felt when we saw those around us who turned to God, suddenly turn away. It breaks my heart to recall those lives that seemed so adamant on following the Lord, yielding to their own desires of the flesh. I have moments where I wonder about my own faith, God why don't I just give up! and tonight while thinking about it, I pondered the thought of life differently, so to speak. I cannot understand it, it does not makes sense for me to turn my back on Him. That's when I realized that God had engraved my faith, my belief, into my very being. I rejoice at this! Oh Lord, to know that you have given me an adamant faith that is stubbornly unyielding to the desires of this world...Thank You! I praise You for that strength.
Lastly, this is just a short "original":
this body, is lying lame before you
bruised and broken
hungered for Your touch
my movement ceases as I am in awe of You
upon this altar i lay it all down
Your fire consumes my entire being
Every aspect of my life is held before You
refine me, reveal my quality in You
burn into the depths of my soul
setting ablaze all that is me
Lord pierce my barriers
open my heart to Your peace
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
The shadows fall in and my life becomes a transparent glitch in this recluse. I focus on this dim, yet glorified speck of light in the distance, guiding my every step. Every fowl unknown makes its way toward my existence, but all I see is this glowing ember calling me closer. Lord, call me closer!
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
I've managed to see 5 movies since school let out and I've read 6 books, and worked on like 2 art projects. So you'd think I was busy, nope pretty much bored out of my skull. but it's okay, i'm keeping my thoughts to what is ahead....hehe...my mind wanders....ahhhh
Oh my friends, how I love you all....take care
Sunday, May 29, 2005
The title of this post pertains to something that has been on my mind for a good week or so. I realized the other night while I was laying in bed thinking, that compassion does not require understanding. Let me explain! Example: There is a child that is dieing of AIDS in Africa. As a compassionate human being, you feel for this child and have that compassion for them, because they are in the situation they are in. You hurt for them. But this hurt and compassion that you feel for them, does not come from understanding how they got to be in the situation they are in, it's just a natural reaction of a compassionate person to feel compassion for someone going through such turmoil. It's not a necessity to understand how they got into that situation and why they are in that situation or for another matter, why they are upset about being in that situation. You just feel and hurt for them, because they hurt themselves. This has recently hit home with me, because of personal experiences in my life. *this is too much to go into detail*
Well, I hope my slight enlightenment didn't annoy anyone or whatever...I'm sure you aren't reading them anyways.
I'll just remove my mind to a happy thought...:-D
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
This summer is beginning to drive me insane. With as much idle time to drive even the laziest individual insane, I cannot help but wonder what I am doing with my life?! I guess all will be revealed in patient time, or so I hope. My excess of time though is allowing for a lot of refreshing my soul in various areas. I have been able to dutifully delve deeper into the art of journaling, but at the same time finding myself in a black hole of writer's block. I hate it!
In the past 3 weeks I have been able to read 5 books I have had on my shelf for awhile. That makes me happy, and I continue to read the books that are piling up. I feel that somehow I am expanding my knowledge and my brain is getting a workout to be able to escape into the books I read. I wonder how my life would sound if I was a character in a novel? hmm...interesting thought I say.
I'm finding God is glorious in his preparations for my future these weeks. Being taught a lot lately on my own frailties and faults. It really is tough to face yourself sometimes. but being reminded that all is for the sake of character, engraved my the Lord of Heavens...brings a smile to my face.
My fears are attacking me, as I have found out a few weeks ago about the internship that seemed to be a salvation for career purposes, was not going as well I had hoped for it to turn. however, I was informed to keep in contact, I quote "he really wants to hire you, just give him time to figure out the situation at hand"...still i've left with an uneasy feeling that things just aren't going to turn out how I would hope they would. The saddest part is that my current employment is driving me to my wit's end. I pray that Jesus will give me the patience and strength to endure to the end, however far away that end may be. On a lighter, somewhat humorous, somewhat shameful note....I got a call from the DQ out here today. They want to hire me to work out here on the extra time I have, how precious, but then I wonder if I made the right choice by going back there...on top of having to swallow my pride and do it, I at the same time am forfeiting a lot of time that otherwise could be spent...doing...ummm...well...i'm not doing anything, but what if something comes up?? OK, OK...excuses I know...so if i get it, i'll try it out and see what happens, I just hope the loyalty factor doesn't fall into place...I'm weak!!
Well, I've officially made my first posting way too long for anyone to read, cause I can almost guarantee that barely anyone will read it, but hey...humor me, huh!!